Solo Dating While in a Relationship: A Non-Negotiable for Me

I want to talk about solo dating while in a relationship and why I believe in it. It is a concept that can be misunderstood and even controversial, but for me, it is non-negotiable and I stand by it. Solo dating is not about distance, not about neglect, and not about relationship problems. In my opinion, solo dating is about preserving your individuality, respecting your interests, and making sure you still exist as your own person, in this case, while being with another person.

Let’s be honest: your partner won’t love everything you love, and you won’t love everything they love. That’s okay. That’s normal. That’s healthy. I love going to certain restaurants, watching rom-coms, and spending lots of time in shopping stores without the pressure of rushing. My partner? He might not care about those things the way I do. And guess what? That’s fine. I don’t expect him to be excited about everything I love, just like I don’t expect myself to be excited about his interests. And that’s where solo dating can come in.

How I approach solo dating is simple yet intentional. One of the solo dates I adventured on was the Teyana Taylor concert in 2022 (read about it here). I wanted to go to a concert because I hadn't been to many and didn't want to go through the process of asking for company. I did it for me. I purchased the tickets. I planned my outfit. I drove there, and I enjoyed myself. How many times have we intentionally set time aside for others in our lives? I'm sure a lot, but what about you? Recently, I randomly thought of going on a solo date to a new restaurant called The Finch and then to see One of Them Days with Keke Palmer and Sza. I committed myself to going on more solo dates.

Society often struggles with non-traditional relationship approaches. A recent example is Sheryl Lee Ralph's viral People Magazine interview, where she shared that she and her husband live separately yet have been married for almost 20 years. Endless comments automatically equated it with negativity because it's not 'traditional,' it must mean something is wrong. But the truth is, what works for one couple may not work for another. When two people maintain their identities, I believe they bring more to the relationship. I don't want to be someone who looks at my partner for all my joy, entertainment, and validation - that's a lot of pressure on one person. Instead, I want to complement my partner, not be consumed by them.

The person I am today isn't the same person I was five years ago, and I expect to evolve more. Solo dating allows me to learn who I am and what I have grown to like and dislike. It provides a sense of confidence to be able to do things independently. It provides the space for self-expression, exploration, and moments of mental clarity because separation from people (in general) is sometimes needed. I remember times when I set aside my own interests, sometimes not even in romantic relationships but to align with others. Over time, I started feeling like I wasn't truly myself anymore.

Having an open conversation about my wants and needs early on has helped with trust because I set that boundary and respectfully prioritize its importance. I’m thankful that my person respects my boundaries. Deciding to embark on a solo date doesn’t mean I’m sneaking off or moving in secrecy. That’s not what this is about. I let my partner know where and when I’m going. Locations are shared for safety. I make sure there’s an understanding and, most of all, there’s respect.

If you’ve never tried solo dating while in a relationship, I encourage you to do it. It could be as simple as going out to eat at your favorite restaurant, taking yourself to the movies, going on a solo shopping date, visiting a museum, art gallery, or bookstore alone, or taking a weekend solo trip. You might feel awkward at first. You might feel guilty at first. But keep doing it. You deserve it. Being in a relationship doesn't mean neglecting your relationship with yourself. So, take yourself on a date <3

Love,

Vivion Lashon